So about last night...

Bad night.
Bad dream.
Forget about it.
Because I sure as hell am.

Ohai.

Disclaimer - The one named used in this blog has been changed to "Her" for the sake of...well...I don't know. Just don't question it.

So I'm sitting at home, looking around it, hearing nothing but the noise of my shitty computer speakers about to explode (really got to call someone about that this week), and I'm slowly coming to the conclusion that this weekend was a total waste.

For those of you who don't know, I went home this weekend to be alone since my parents are in Florida for spring break. I wanted the chance to get away from it all, to clear my thoughts about a few things, and figure out what I'm going to do.

Here's the part where I have to be completely honest with a few people...

Dear Friends of Mine of Which I Have Not Told Everything To,

I have been a very stressful person as of late, more so than usual, I know. For the past two or so months, I have been very concerned about my dad. His vertigo attacks were becoming more and more frequent, along with more powerful. They were really beginning to take a toll on his physical self, along with his enjoyment of life. The last attack he had actually happen while he was driving, in which he crashed his car, and just barely walked out of there alive. Obviously, I was very concerned about my dad, and it caused me to be depressed and sad. On top of everything else going on, it was a lot for me to take in. Though, because of the most recent incident, he's going through with one of the treatments offered to him. I hope the best for him, and thank you all for your thoughts and prayers as me and my family go through this fairly difficult situation.

-Jeff Lipton

Alright, now we can move onto the issue at hand...

I am not my own
For I have been anew

Shut up Owl City. I'm trying to talk.

So this weekend, I was going to figured things out with me and Her, since that was the last issue that needed to be taken care of as far as my life goes. I've signed up for a Career Placement Test, my dad's alright, so the last thing is between me and Her. If were together, if she's getting together with someone else, if I'm holding onto false hope (again). But, fate is a bitch, and the other dude is coming with her to take me back to Purdue. I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't a little irked about this. Though, she really needs someone with her when shes night driving. We were supposed to talk about everything on the way back. HA. Not happening anymore.

Am I an ass for thinking these thoughts?

Oh well.

Obai.

Florida...here I come...

Ohai.

What if I told you that the last time that you saw me was, indeed, the last time that you would see me?

What an attention getter, hu?

Welcome, once again, to my cluster fuck of thoughts organized for no one in particular. Even the creepers in the closet seem to have gotten bored with reading these, so I’m just rambling to no one in particular it seems. But, I continue to do it anyways. Why? Well, because this wasn’t intended for other people to read in the end. It was for me to watch myself grow, and to see what input I can get as far as what I should do with the current situations in my life.

Let’s dive right in, shall we?

So, after talking to people who I consider my friends, I’ve realized what people actually think about me. They think that I can’t handle the truth, and they think that I’m a suicidal person. This just makes me sick to my stomach to be honest. I thought that people knew me better, but I suppose that I need to bring this out now so people understand why I’ve been sort of down for the past three plus months. My dad is dying…there’s no nice way of saying it. He has his vertigo attacks, and they used to be an already scary experience. Recently, however, they’ve become more frequent…to the point of almost one every other day. On top of that, they now hit him so fast and so hard that he doesn’t have time to prepare himself. The last one I saw him have, he instantly fell backwards because he didn’t have time to regain himself or to reach out in front of him to hold his balance. The only way for him to even have a chance as far as fixing this is brain surgery, which scares the living piss out of my dad. One, because it’s not even guaranteed to fix what’s wrong with him. Two, the surgery could kill him as well. So yeah…needless to say, I’m a little worried either way. Me not being a religious man, this may sound weird if I say it, but to whatever God or higher being you pray to, please keep my dad in your prayers. My family is about to leave on spring break to Florida and I’m concerned with him doing any driving at all. Hopefully my mom and my brother will be able to take control of things if anything were to go bad…-knocks on wood-

And right after I finish typing that paragraph, I get a call from my mom telling me my dad had an attack WHILE driving, and wrecked the crash majorly….fuck this, I’m ending this here…nothing I have to say matters right now.

Obai.

My Stream of Consciousness

Ohai.

So I think I’ve reached a point where it’s time I do another one of these little blogs. I realize that my original goal was at least one of these a months, and the past two of them have kind of been cheating blogs, barely a sentence at best, and not really talking about anything thought provoking. Granted, my blogs aren’t really intended to provoke your thought, but more so my thought and to see if anyone else could offer a better insight to the things going on in my life right now. The problem, internet, is that I’m not sure what details I can tell you and what details I shant tell you. This, I will get into more later.

The more I think about it, this may be one of my longest blogs ever. If any of you actually make it all the way through this blog, let me know. I’ll give you a cookie or something the next time I see you.

So I think that we should start this on a happy note. I’m finally starting a new project of mine that I’ve been interested in for quite some time now. I’m going to start vlogging and blogging on a regular basis. I will try to keep this interactive so it’s not boring for the rest of you, but in the end this is really for me…a way for me to vent and a way to see myself grow and mature as I progress through life. Saying that, let’s start with this first topic…first year at college. I want to know how the rest of you who are either going through their first year right now, or who have been through it and be willing to share their experiences from it. Me, I’m not sure where I’m going to be going in the next year or so. I don’t even know if I’m at the right school right now, and that kind of worries me. I know I’m not happy with my major at all. I guess whatever happens happens. I’ve taken the steps that I need to in order to get myself in the right direction, and that’s all I can do right now.

Moving on to me just venting, I’ve been going through a few different things in my life other than just the schooling problem. Here comes the problem though…I don’t know how much I’m actually allowed to tell you. Well, allowed is the wrong word to use right now. I just don’t want to do anything that will get me in too much trouble or put me out of line. I suppose what I can say is this…I’m in love. I’m in love with the most beautiful young woman on this planet. No matter the wait, I’m going to be here for her, and I’m going to be the best boyfriend, no, the best friend that I can be for her. She’s already help me in so many ways, and shown me that I can be strong, not only for myself, but for other people. Now I’m just hoping that I can do the same thing for her. I love you JNG…and please don’t forget, I wouldn’t have said yes if I didn’t mean it. I’m going to be here as long as you can put up with my shit…ha.

Well, I guess that’s all that I really have on my mind for now. This project of mine isn’t going to really kick off until the summer. That’s when I’ll really be able to do what I want to, the two or three new things a week, along with the one vlog a week. Be sure to check out my YouTube channel, http://www.youtube.com/user/StreamOfConsciouness , for the vlogs, and keeping checking here for the blogs. Again, I’m not really looking to do anything big. If I can connect with people and spark conversation based off of observations I have in life, then that would be amazing. But in the end, this is for me. I thank you for your time and for any input that you may have.

Obai.

-Jeff Lipton