So about last night...

Ohai.

Soooooooooooooooooooooo...Last night...Yeaaaaaaaaaa...

Actually, yeah, that's enough.

Obai.

There's something in the air...

Ooooohai.

Go tell all your friends
That this is the end
Go tell all your friends
That this is the end

Uuuuuggghh...I'd imagine that this is what a hangover feels like. I've never been drunk enough to get one the morning after, but I'm pretty sure that this is a close enough feeling to it. I ended up never going to sleep last night, so I just sat there in bed with my own thoughts. Usually, I'm not willing to talk about what's on my mind, but last night, I was willing to answer any questions and talk about anything. I'm not sure why, but I was an open book. But no one seemed to want to talk, or everyone else had their own stuff to deal with, or they were asleep. Most of them being the last option, seeing that the time that this was happening was around two-three in the morning.

I can't understand a word you're saying
What are the crowds running from
There's something in the air tonight
Something is wrong, SPIT IT OUT
I was willing to last night
For anyone who actually sat through and listened to me for a short while, I'm sorry. I was really out of my mind last night. I think I just need to take a step back and think about a few things before I make any serious actions.

I just feel from the mothership
They said that
Your answers were always lying on the ocean bed

This is a much shorter one than last night, but after one like last night, I'm surprised that there even is a new one.

And I'll scream with a thousand voices
I am sane...
I am sane...
Bullshit.
Obai.

Roy C. what's your thesis?

Ohai.

I've drank three Monsters, I have the shakes, and I feel like shit. Let's write a blog, shall we? Sounds like perfect writing conditions. So how are all of you people doing this evening? Hopefully better than me...Haha. I'm pretty much on the border of illegal insanity right now. Just sayin.

So anything new with you? No? Nothing? Wow...You lead a more boring life than me. I had an awesome experience today. And by awesome, I mean I wanted to punch a fucker in the face experience. I've been trying to change the way I act around people so that I come off as less socially awkward right off the bat. I'm not that hard to get to know really, it just takes me longer than I would like to come out of my shell to most people. Apperantly, though, I really am failing at this. I had a newer friend of mine today legit ask me if I was gay. Now, don't get me wrong. I have nothing against the gay community by any means. You choose how to live your life, just don't do that shit around me. But when I, once again, got asked this and really meant it, I got pissed. Well, maybe pissed is the wrong word, but I was legit offended by them asking this. I don't think that I come off that way to people, but I guess I was wrong as far as that goes. It looks like I'm going to have to try to re-image myself once again. Seriously, maybe this is why I always end up in the best friend zone. Not a bad place to be, don't get me wrong. It just sucks. Sucks so hardcore. I want to move past that, or find someone who will love me like she used to. Haha. Yeah right. What a load of horse shit. I am who I am, and I'm pretty sure that no one finds that attractive. I mean hell, half of the people I know seem to think that I'M GAY. Fuck me sideways. Just sayin...

First semester of school is almost done, and I have the list of majors that I'm considering limited down to a select few. The only that is left to do is set up meeting with academic advisers and decide on which major would be good for me. One of them will pay good even if I were to choose to stay in Indy, while the other pays more if I move out of state. Both sound fairly appealing, and the pay for both of them isn't too shabby either coming out of college. My number one concern is if I'm going to be happy doing what I do. Oh, and if I'll be able to understand the work that I'm doing.

Does it sound like I'm ADD tonight? Well, you can thank the Monster for that. Or, I guess Monsters...Second one is almost down. First one came back up. YAY! MOVING ON!!!

I've been thinking about things a lot lately. I gotta say, I'm starting to think about the past way more than I should. I have a certain few people to thank for that, though. Trying to tell me how I should have done things and how things would be different if I made smarter choices. Who are you people to judge my past? I've been getting pissy at people a lot this week, and I'm sorry if you are one of them. But jezz....My "best friend" was reminding me of everything and telling me how he liked the old me. Really? Really? You liked the me who wanted to kill himself every fucking day? No, he was referring to the me back in February. Yeah, I like that me too. But here's the deal. That me isn't coming back. Not for a while, at any rate. I wish it could, believe me. I wish I was that happy again. But with the stress of school on my back right now, it's not happening for a while. So pardon me if I have to fake a smile and a wave to keep everyone else happy, but that's how things are going to have to be done.

Wow. After reading each thing, I kinda question if I'm going to even leave this up anymore.

I'm tired of my friends lying to me as well. I try to be there for my friends whenever I can be, though I don't martyr myself as much as I used to over things. But I hate hate hate hate hate HATE when my friends lie to me. Seriously. Only thing that pisses me off. Other than stupid people, but we'll get to that in a second.

Actually, let's get to that now. I really don't feel like talking about that anymore. I had a handful of religious talks this week, and OH BOY do I love those. I watched a video about an abortion clinic and people protesting in front of it, along with a few other topics. These kind of talks really get me fired up, but also gets me thinking about life in general. Fun stuff, let me tell you. I don't believe in any sort of religion at this point in my life, though I hope to one day, to be honest. It just sickens me to see how people behave when put in these situations. I mean really, saying it was your daughters fault because she got raped and then calling her a slut? What the hell is wrong with people like this? I mean, I know they are one in a dozen, but the fact that they still exist makes me question religion as a whole.

Sooooooooooo yeah. I realize this blog is way different than my normal, and I'm pretty sure that none of it makes sense to anyone but me. But I'm going to post this anyways. These are literally my uncensored thoughts. Take them as you will. But don't twist them. Otherwise, we're all fucked.

Just sayin.
Roy C. what's your thesis?
Obai.
I DON'T FUCKING BELIEVE IT!

Just for the record...

Ohai.

I'm here to pose a quick question, and then I'll be on my way.

And yes, I'm aware no one will read this and I don't care. I guess it's my own way of figuring out the answers to my own questions.

But to the question...Why is it that I put myself out there for people, defend them left and right, listen to them when they need someone, and go out of my way to be the best friend I can be for people, but when I need someone to just talk to...to just get ideas in my head flowing...it seems no one can give me the time of day?

Just wondering.

Obai.

The Red

They say freak
When you're singled out
The red
It filters through

Ohai.

I'll be honest, I'm keeping this one short. I've been feeling in the dumps lately. Last night I had to walk home from work. It was really cold outside, and I'm pretty sure that I caught a bug from it. I'm still feeling kinda groggy and out of it, but I make it through the day one way or another.

So lay down
The threat is real
When his sight
Goes red again

I need a serious pick me up. That's all I have to say. I miss hanging out with people...Long late night skype calls, running around the laundry room pantless.........Ok maybe not the last one. But you get what I'm getting at. I wish I had a car, or that everyone just lived closer.

This change, he won't contain
Slip away, to clear your mind
When asked who made it show
The truth, he gave in to most

That's all. This week is going to suck. I haven't said this in...maybe almost a year. But damn do I need a hug.

Obai.
Rawr?
Seeing red again
Seeing red again
Seeing red again
Seeing red....

I'm sure your jaw will surely be missed.

Where's your respect
Why bite the hand that feeds you
It's not over yet
Plenty more fingers for you to nibble

Ohai

It's been a stressful couple of days in my neck of the woods. Class work is the same, normal work was the same, and stupid friends being stupid were the same. You would think that after a while, things would begin to change, but they never really do. You learn to become accustomed with the stuff, and it becomes your own personal "normal." I love my friends, but sometimes, shit can get kind of crazy. Just throwing that out there.

I'd like to see you get your teeth round this
I'm sure your jaw will surely be missed
BITCH! Lulz.
So I'm actually fairly excited because I think I've finally decided what I want to major in now. OLS. It's kind of hard to explain because the major really fits with so many different things. The best way to put it is that it's the people side of business rather than the number crunching side. It's really awesome, actually. I've already taken one class of it last year, and I'm taking another class this year. So far, I can honestly say that I actually enjoy these classes, the course work, and the material covered in these classes. I think what made it so that I knew I wanted to take this major on was when I watched a presentation about OLS in my GS 119 class. The major just seems perfect for me. Before I solidify anything, though, I need to make a few other meetings to see about specifics about the major. You have no idea how exciting it is to finally know what it is I want to do with my life.
Best I've felt in forever.
Not even salt can make your hands taste good
I'm still crunching your lifeline
Not even salt can make your hands taste good
I'm still crunching your lifeline
Well, almost, anyway.
Oh, and did I tell you I quit my current job? Yepp. Well, quit is a wrong word. I asked to be put back on academic leave s0 that I could still work at my home store during the summer and stuff like that. It's not that the store was bad or anything like that. With no real form of transportation to get to and from there other than my own two feet, and with it being further away that I originally thought, there was no way that I could continue working there and going to school as often as I do. It was fun working there, don't get me wrong. And I've made enough money to last me the rest of the school year. I just wish they didn't make me feel like I was doing something wrong by saying I couldn't work anymore...

You do this every fucking time
No sweat, no tears, no guilt
You do this every fucking time
No sweat, no tears, no guilt

Oh, and another thing...Eh. Nevermind.
What's the point, really?
Lifeline...Lifeline...Lifeline
Blood fills your palms

I think that's all I've really got for you this time. Classes start soon for the day, and I got to find sometime to get to a place with free Wi-Fi so I can get my Mew off of HeartGold. I'm such a nerd, I know. I'm ok with it though.

Do this one more time
And I'll bite your fucking fingers off

Violent, much?

Obai.

Lame post

Ohai.

Figured I'd give you guys something for tonight, so here are some lyrics I wrote a long time ago. Nothing special, but it had me thinking about this person for quite a while. Hmmm...Anyways, enjoy.
Thinking about how much I fail
two broken souls
wondering down the same beaten path
meet face to face
for the very first time
I look at her and cant find the words
she smiles at me and laughs at my charm
and then


And with her hand over my heavy heart
she took my breath away
And with a smile upon her face
I feel


alone, all alone now
he stands at her side
and sees her pain
he knows where shes been
he thinks to himself
dear god what can i do
and then


And with his hand over her heavy heart
he took her breath away
And with a smile upon her face
she feels
alive

Obai.

Three wishes? Damn...

I can finally see
That you're right there
Beside me

Ohai

Short song, short post. I'm just getting right to the chase. For one month, starting today, I'm going to try as hard as I can to make a post everyday on this blog. If I can make it the month, we'll do six months, and if I can do that, we'll go a full year. I don't know how this will actually go, but I finally have started to enjoy writing these things again.
Well, to some extent, anyway.
If anything, it gives me a way to vent. It gives my mind a chance to go through all the fucked up shit that's happening in my head and try to figure out what it means. Like this dream that I keep having over and over. I can't figure out why, but for the past two weeks now (Yes, it's been two weeks) I've been having this dream, among a few other nightmares. It's starting to affect my sleeping patterns. I don't want to go into any real detail here, but hopefully I can at least figure out what these dreams mean eventually.
June 27, 2010
I am not my own
For I have been made new
Please don't let me go
I desperately need you

You know what I desperately need, Owl City? A chill night with a beer and a good friend where I can just relax. No school stress, no friend stress, no drama stress. Just relax. To be honest, I've been very fortunate. I haven't had to deal with drama in the longest time, and I love it.

...I swear to god, if I just cursed myself by saying that....

So, that's it for today. I think an early bed time is in order. I can actually feel my body trying to pass out right now.

I am not my own
For I have been made new
Please don't let me go
I desperately need you

Obai.

As we stand at the edge of the world...

Fade in, start the scene
Enter beautiful girl
But things are not what they seem
As we stand at the edge of the world
Bad song choice?
Ohai.

Soooo...It seems that everyone is starting their blogs back up again. I've said this before, but I love getting inside the minds of other people, seeing what's really going on in their heads rather than what they try to trick people into believing. Sad that through these post are the only way I can do it sometimes, but that's what happens when no one trusts anyone anymore. Including myself, but that's beyond the point.

Excuses me sir
But I had plans to die tonight
Oh, and you are directly in my way
And I bet you're gonna say it's not right.
My reply...

Girl, back the fuck away from that ledge.
What is you, stupid?!

....Sorry. My inner black.

Last night was a bit of an eye opener for me. My iPod decided that it hated me and wanted to bring back some memories that I kind of wish would just go away. Two songs in particular, it played at least two or three different times back to back. These songs bring up a time where I almost wanted to kill myself, and a time where I was the happiest I had been in what felt like years. Granted, some of those memories I don't want to forget, If anything, they helped me become the more solid person that I am today. It just was a bit of a trip down memory lane. And to be honest, I cried. I cried for the first time in months. It felt good....But damn I really do miss some of those times...

Eh, you win a few, you lose alot.
Or if you're me
Excuse me miss
But do you have the slightest clue
Exactly what you just said to me
And exactly who you're talking to.
You lose them all
She said I don't care
You don't even know me
I said I know
But I'd like to change that soon
Hopefully

So...Something to write about...Anything to write about.........I've got nothing. Seriously. Only thing on my mind right now is fall break and what I'll be doing. May be heading off to go visit ClaraBella like I promised her I would. Should be a fun time if I do. Was thinking about going and seeing my Archenemy, but she's heading off to Florida for the weekend. Lucky bitch.

Yeah, we all flirt
With the tiniest notion
Of self conclusion
In one simplified motion
You see the trick is that
You're never supposed to act on it
No matter how unbearable
This misery gets
Meh...
So I've been thinking more and more about what I want my major to be. And to be honest...One idea has come to mind. But then I remember that I actually want to make money and get somewhere in the world. So that idea goes away. Then another comes, and goes. And it's just a never ending process it seems. I don't think I'm ever going to find a major or a career that I'll actually enjoy and make enough money to live the lifestyle that I have in mind. Nothing flashy or vibrant or anything. Hell, I'll more than likely live by myself for the longest time. I just want to live comfortably. Is that too much to ask for? Apperantly in this day and age it is.

I would be lying if I said that things would never get rough
And all this cliche motervation
It can never be enough
I could stand here all night
Trying to convince you
But what good would that do
My offer stands and
You
Must
Choose

Other than that, I've been staying true to the things that I said in my last blog. I've been eating healthier, working out a little bit, and staying away from most, if not all, of my nerd stuff. My bro has all of my Yu-Gi-Oh cards back home, so the only thing I have here is my DS and my Pokemon game. Only think I want to do is go shopping for some new clothes sometime soon. I could use a new look. I'm kinda tired of the old me, and it obviously doesn't work. Or whatever.
I don't know. I think I'm just kinda bored with the old me. Meh. Lots to think about...Never enough time....

Alright you win
But I only give you one night
To prove yourself to be better than
My attempt at flight
I swear to god if you hurt me
I will leap
I will toss myself from these very cliffs
And you'll never see it coming.
Damn right, you won't.
So yeah...I honestly don't have much more to say. Maybe I'll come up with something better later tonight and write another blog. I mean, it's only 11. I won't go to bed till early anyways. My mind is constantly racing, especially after last night. I also had a nightmare...Same one from a few months ago. Haven't had that dream in forever, but I have the songs to thank for that, I'm sure.

Settle precious
I know what you're going through
Cause ten minutes before you got here
I was gonna jump too.
Yepp...Bad song choice....
Obai.
So much for sleep tonight.