I'm just looking for a new romance

The stars lean down to kiss you,
And I lie awake and miss you.
Pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere.

I hear that's illegal in a handful of states...

Oh God, not you again....

Ohai.

Lot's have been on my mind since my last wave of posts. Turns out more people read this shit than I thought. Haha. But, one thing that was brought up was my dream/nightmare that I've been having. There seemed to be a little confusion as to who was who in the dream. Now, I can understand that. I didn't really make that clear in anyway what so ever. I also realize that one person being the other could really change how one would try to interpret the dream. So, in light of this, I went back and made an edit. If you go back to that post, I think you should be able to tell now who's who.

Moving on...

Summer is almost half way over already. Sad, really. I went back and looked at what I wanted this summer to be, what I hoped that was going to happen. Go ahead, take a guess at how much t that I wanted to happen has actually happened. If you guessed nothing, you're right. Now, I'm not going to bitch though. I've got to do some pretty awesome stuff, hang out with some cool people, and I plan to continue that. Or at least try.

I've lost the passion for a lot of stuff though. The whole Youtube channel thing was a joke from the start and I knew it was. At the time though, I was on top of the world. At the time, I had everything, and could be everything. Now, well, let's just say things are a little different. I still feel great...I don't know. I don't have someone to share my passion of these things with. That's what.

This blog is very unorganized...I don't like it already.

'Cause I'll doze off safe and soundly
But I'll miss your arms around me.
I'd send a postcard to you, dear
Cuz I wish you were here

I need to stop listening to this shit.
All it does is remind me of you.
I wonder sometimes why I even still do theses? I mean, it's good for me to get my thoughts onto paper and be able to actually make sense of this cluster fuck that I call a brain, but usually I don't even post what's actually on my mind for fear of the wrong (sometimes right) person reading it.

You know what...Let's have some fun with this. No hidden messages. No bullshit.
Yeah right...This blog is full of them.
So lately, I've been in a bit of a rut. The minute you think you're done with something, you're not. You're hitting it harder than ever. I thought that I had quit my addiction. Thought that I didn't need it anymore. That I could be good without it. Well, I'm still good, till night comes around anyways. Always seem to do most of my thinking there. If we take a look back at my old blog, we see that...

Hi, My name is Jeff Lipton, and I'm addicted to love.

Rather, I'm addicted to the idea of having someone love me. Looking back at old posts, there was a hidden message in one that was written wrong. Now, this doesn't really concern anyone but me. Either way, it's changed for the sake of myself.

This summer only has a few more weeks left, and so much I still want to do. So much that I still hope for. I'm talking to my parents about going to Texas for an extended weekend to see my old friend Jeremy Morris. Spent all last night talking to the kid...What a temptress. "Dude, I've got The Church, (apparently some club that you only have to be 18 to get into.) Xbox, beer, and pussy, what else do I have to give you to get down here?" Not much, my friend. That will just about do it for me.

I miss you. You know who you are. There's no hidden text now. I'm glad to see that you're happy, and I'm enjoying myself too. Though I'd be lying if I didn't say that I think about you at least once everyday. It's whatever though. Not making a big deal out of anything, because really...what's the point? No sense in me chasing what I can't have, which always seems to be the case with me.

So there you go. I think this may be my worst blog to date. No, I take that back, I've had worse that have never even been posted, or that have been taken down. It's late though, and I've had a busy day. Shot some pool with God for a while. Got to say, that kid is more down to earth than I would've guessed. Get him in the right topic, and you're golden. Expect my posts to be more like this one, if they even continue

Obai.

Oh, if my voice could reach back through the past
I'd whisper in your ear,
"Oh darling, I wish you were here."
Made the mistake of watching Draw With Me the other day.

A nightmare to remember

I'd never feel the same.
What began as laughter
so soon would turn to pain.
The sky was clear and fridged.
The air was think and still
Now, I'm not one to soon forget,
And I bet I never will.

Ohai.

This song describes what happens to me once I fall asleep so well as of late. I've been having frequent nightmares...often the same dream over and over, night after night. You would think that after a while, it would start to have less of an effect on you as it continues to show up. Though, it's exactly the opposite with me. The more this certain dream comes up, the more I think about it, and the more it tries to...You know, I don't even know what this dream is trying to tell me.

If it's trying to tell me anything for that matter.


-Light laughter-
-Surly chuckling-

"You sure about this?"
"More sure than I've been about anything."
"Mmm...Anything for you, then..."


Hopelessly drifting
Bathing in beautiful agony
I am endlessly falling
Lost in this wonderful misery


So, right of the beginning, I know what you're thinking. "Jeff...that doesn't sounds like a bad dream at all. That sounds like a sex dream. You fucking perv.

Once again, if you would shut up for a few minutes, I could get to my point.

So I was having this discussion with my good friend, Ben, a few days ago. I asked him what a nightmare meant to him. He at first gave me the very bland answer of "Scary or sad thoughts." He then tried to go more in depth with his answer, but it all meant the same thing to me. And I agree with his definiton to a point. A nightmare to me doesn't exactly have to be scarey. The dream itself could be of a happier situation, though once you wake up, something about that happy situation makes you feel sad. Maybe you don't have it anymore? Maybe it's something from your past and you miss it? Whatever the case may be. Though...as you're about to see, my nightmare doesn't exactly stay happy for much longer.


-Heavy breathing-
-Moans of ecstacy-

"How you doing, baby?"
"..."
"Is everything ok?"

-Crawling into fetal position-
-Bawling-

"Sweety, what's wrong?"

-Crying continues-
-On and on and on...-


Weird shit, hu? The jokes that can be made from the above statement are just too obvious, so don't even go into it. Not worth your time, and not worth mine either. That helpless feeling is what gets me though. I want to help...need to help so bad. But I can't.
I miss you so much. I'm sorry...
Don't know if I'll keep this post up. It's a lot more personal than other stuff I've posted before. Recent events have caused me to start thinking about the way I see stuff alot more. Death...It's been happening quite a bit in this what used to be quite town of Brownsburg. RIP Katie and Garrett. You are sured to missed by family and friends alike. Makes you find value in your own life, not wanting to waste it.

Just wish I had....

Obai.

What is love?

Baby don't hurt me..
Don't hurt me...
No more...


.....


Yeah...I'm not using that song. Don't worry.

Ohai.

Another killer day at work. There are no words to describe how much I actually hate that place. They actually took the things that I didn't like about Steak 'N Shake...the things that I was assured wouldn't happen there...and they happened. Only worse than they did at Steak 'N Shake. Also, I took this job so that I would have more free time to hang out with my friends and stuff in the afternoon. Yeah, that never happened. All that happens is I work for ten hours at a time, talk to no one during that time period, come home exhausted and go to bed. Not exactly what I was looking for in a job.

Then again, when do we ever really find what we're looking for in anything?

So this job gives me ALOT of time to myself. More than likey more that what I should be allowed. A friend and I were discussing the topic of love the other day, and what we felt it meant to ourselves. Now, I won't sit here and bore you with the troubles of my love live. I'd say no one wants to read about those, but then again I really doubt anyone reads these to begin with. (Like I said, still debating if I want to continue this or not...but I'll explain my reasons for that in another blog.) Recently, I've been just living day to day. With this new job (which I'm hopefully quiting soon) all I do is work in the morning, come home, shower, and then fall asleep on and off until it's time for bed. I apologize to anyone who has tried to get ahold of me in the past two weeks and have failed because of this. Hopefully this won't be a problem for much longer.

Or I'll be working both jobs and I just won't have a life anymore...

Living day to day has its perks, I will admit. You're main concern is yourself and not anyone else. May seem a bit selfish to think like that, but it doesn't hurt to actually be concerned about yourself ever now and then. I get out every now and then to see the people who I care about, and do some pretty awesome stuff. Though it's when I get home and I'm alone that I really start to think about things.

Recently, I finally came to a conclusion about what love is to me, and I have to say, it isn't what I would've told you what I thought it was maybe a year or two ago. I think that love, to me at least, doesn't even have to do with a relationship. It just has to do with the people in your life. Loving someone, to me, is no matter what that person may do, whatever they may say, in the end, you still care about them. You'd still do anything for that person. Uncondional caring, unconditional love...That's what runs through my head when I think about love. These feelings don't even need to be shared between what we put a label on as "Boyfriend and Girlfriend." I can say that I share these feelings with quite a few people in my life. Sadly, the number has gone down as of late, but I still can say that if a select few people decided to walk out of my life today, I would be devistated. Heartbroken. Lost. These people have a pretty good idea of who they are...I don't think I need to name names.

Though I can already imagine some people saying, "But we're talking about ROMANTIC love, Jeff. What does that mean to you, and do you have THOSE feelings for anyone right now?"

Well, arn't some people just nosey...

To answer that question.....Bet you were looking for a hidden message, wern't you? Haha. Better luck next time.

Obai.

His eyes are locked on her.
Her eyes are fixed elsewhere.
He's confident,
But he's unaware
She doesn't care.

Sleeplessness

Ohai.

Can't sleep again. This seems to happen every other night. I'm starting to go slightly crazy becuase of it. Lost my cool at the guy trying to sell me on a get rich quick thing because of it. He kind of had it coming though, what with all the bullshit that was spewing out of his mouth for a constant nine hours. I know that I don't really have anyone to talk to at this new job (seeing how I'm the only white kid there...no shit) so a little human interaction was good, but if I heard him say one more thing about my Zodiac sign and how wrong it was for me, I was going to slap him across the face.

Moving on...

Another nightmare tonight, so I doubt I'll be sleeping much after that. No really need to tell you what it was about. I'll say that it wasn't a nightmare in the sense that something BAD persay was happening. Just...I don't know. It's hard to explain without actually going into detail. And...well, to be honest, I just don't feel like sharing with you just quite yet what said dreams are about. It's not a big deal though. Nightmares happen.

There's a difference between a want and a necessity. THAT is a want...but I want it so bad...

Sleep is hopefully around the corner. Let's give this one more try. A REAL blog that I've been working on for quite some time should be posted soon. It's just hard to find time to write these things anymore. I'm starting to lose my passion for them, and I doubt that even one person reads the pointless bickerings of my life anymore anyways. I may just stop doing this altogether...Don't know yet. Either way, if you still read this, thanks. I have better stuff coming soon, promise. After that, I guess it just depends.

Obai.

Let's have a talk...

Ohai.

So, the other day, I sat down and starting reading all my blogs. I swear, it's almost like a movie. I see my highs, my lows, everything. I lead a very messed up life, to say the least. Well, I guess I won't put it like that. That makes it sound like...I don't know, that my life is something that it's not. I lead a fairly normal life, to be honest. I just have messed up thoughts...That sounds better. Though I've realized something. Since I actually started blogging on my DeviantArt account and then moved it over to hear, we really haven't been formally introduced. We've been talking for, like, almost four months, and you don't any more about me than what I have told you before. So, for anyone who cares to get to know me a little better, here is your chance.

Hi, my name is Jeff Lipton, and I am a now 19 year old male from Brownsburg, Indiana.

Alright, that's a start. Now, let's get a little deeper, shall we...


Hi, my name is Jeff Lipton, and I'm a bit of a workaholic.

Now, what exactly does this mean? I work...and when I work, I work a lot. But why do I choose to do this? Note, first of all, that I said "choose to." I've never been forced to work in my life. Well, maybe except when I was working at the golf course, but I don't really consider that a job. I choose to work and work as much as I do because I like to feel like I'm actually doing something of worth with my time. Though when I'm actually at work, I may hate it from time to time, wish that I didn't work, in the end, I feel much better. Steak and Shake was good for me. This was because I climbed the latter there pretty quickly, and that got me a lot of respect with everyone there. Plus, while working at Steak and Shake, it felt like less of a job, and more like just hanging with friends while making milkshakes...haha. Though, another reason why I like working ties into another thing I'm about to get at...


Hi, my name is Jeff Lipton, and I care too much about what other people think about me.

It's a bit of a gift, but a curse as well. People judging me have forced me to become the person that I am today. Be it good or bad, experiences molded and shaped me into who I am right now. Of course, this can be said about any person, so it's nothing really special to me. But, I like to look back at my life and not regret anything. I try to take something from whatever happens in my life, and learn from it. I have made some pretty stupid decisions in my life, and somethings that I wonder if I didn't do this or didn't say that, how would things be different now. But I don't dwell on the past. Because it is exactly that...the past. I look forward to the future as often as I can and try to hit it head on.


Hi, my name is Jeff Lipton, and I am addicted to money.

Now, this sounds really bad right off the start. Makes me sound like I'm a prep or some kind of snoby kid or something like that. But let me explain before you start making acusations. I like to know that no matter what happens, I have enough money in my bank that I could cover it if needed. That's why I work as much as I do, and very rarely ever spend any of my money unless it is for food or the ocasional trip out with friends. I feel comfortable knowing I have a couple grand in the bank and that if an emergency were to show it's head, I would be able to be prepared for it. Also, it's nice to have since I'm planning on getting an appartment sometime soon (more than likely a one bedroom studio now) and I'll need all the money saved up that I can to be ready for that day.


Hi, my name is Jeff Lipton, and I'm addicted to love.

Again, one that may need a little explination. Recently, I've been loveless...Just living life for myself and it's been fantastic. That is, until night comes around. Call me what you will, I really don't care at this point, but I keep everything that I've been given in my past relationships. They mean something special to me, and remind me of good times that I've had with said person. Well, recently I refound this note that my most recent ex wrote for me while we were together. It was the reasons why she cared for me...along with a story that she started writting for me. Neither of which I'm going to share with you. It's personal stuff. Just reading it though made me realize...I'm addicted to just knowing that I have someone who would do anything for me. Who loves me for who I am, doesn't judge me, and is just happy being around me. And me being happy around them. Sadly though, I feel a lack of that in my life right now. At least, no one seems to really show that. I could be wrong...but that's just me I guess...Am I wrong? I hope I am...


Hi, my name is Jeff Lipton, and I am not gay.

A rumor was going around recently that I was throughout a group of my friends and some of their frinds. Don't really know how it got started, don't know why, but I figured I'd put an end to it here. Pisses me off, is all. -_-

Hi, my name is Jeff Lipton, and I am who I am. Take me for that.
And you are?

Obai

P.S. Five bucks to anyone who can find the hidden message in this one...Trust me, it's hidden good.

Meh...Shit posts are shit.

Ohai.

So both my last blogs are take down.
I didn't like the direction either of them really took.
Oh well.
Maybe another day.
And not at 4:30 in the morning.
I think I'm going to give up on sleep though.
Haven't had a good nights sleep since...I'm going to say February.
That was the last time I actually slept.

Good Night, Moon.
Good Morning, Sun.
I'll see you at noon.

Obai.

P.S. And yes, I realize that if you follow me, you can see my last two post, or at least the first little parts of it, even though they were taken down. Don't judge what you can't read all of. That is all I ask. Thank you.

I control

Ohai.



So I seem to be the only person out of my group of friends who uses their blog anymore. Meh, it happens I guess. This blog isn't going to be anything special. Nothing new is really happening right now.

My life is on a bit of standby, if you will. All new things are about to happen in about a week, and I'm just waiting to finish out this last week of the norm to get into this whole new change. Mainly it's only a new job, but on top of that a few life changes that I'm going to try my best to hold myself to.

-Finish recording demo by the end of the month and play at least one life show before school starts.

-Once Jim Ross opens his pool, swim laps everyday, along with a two mile jog around the neighborhood either in the morning or at night.

-Start eating healthier. (This will be easier to do once I get out of Steak 'N Shake...lol)

If you haven't been able to tell, a lot of these have to do with me getting in better shape...haha. I've realized over this past month that I'm in terrible physical shape, and that something needs to be done about it. My mom is going to be borrowing P90X, I think it's called, from our neighbors, and I'll be doing that as well. Unless it kills me first...haha.

-My friend Kara is going to start giving me piano lessons starting next week. Along with that, I'll be borrowing my friend Danielle's flute, and trying to teach myself that.

-Actually do something with my YouTube channel. I still have yet to find any video editing software. My computer won't even let me run Windows Movie Maker...I have no idea why not, but yeah. It's starting to annoy me.

Annnnnnnnnnnnnd that's all I can really think of right now. I'm sure there's a lot more, but it's early in the morning, and that's all that I can muster up. I have the next two days off from Shit 'N Puke before we have out busiest weekend of the year. Recording at some point during these two days, but we'll see.

OHHHH...I almost forgot. Along with my demo "Intervention/Reinvention," be on the lookout for me and Ben's old project brought back to life, "The Hourglass Project." Back then, it was mostly instrumental music with techno influences. Who knows where it will go now, but I'm excited to start that back up, along with everything else new happening right now.


So much to do.......and no one to share it with. I miss you...<3

Obai.

I don't think you fucking get me...LISTEN!

Mate! I'm zonked absolutely spent
I think I'm gonna give my eyes up for lent
I'll use my sockets to stock stones instead
And with an icy cold stare I'll hide bones in your bones in your bed

Draw with me.

Ohai.

Woke up a hell of a lot earlier than I really wanted to. Don't understand my body sometimes...Go to bed early, wake up late...Oh well, I function without sleep all the time. I'll just pass out for a day or so sometime soon.

"You're blind." Well then, tell me how I'm acting any differently than before. Just trying to keep things like they used to be.

Mate! Please accept this invitation
So I can take you away


Cos there's a one in 40 thousand chance that
Asteroid Apophis
Will collide with the earth in less than 20 years


Roll up for the kness up business
Yes yes yes ok I think we've heard quite enough from you

I don't want to lose you as a friend. I'm trying hard to make plans, to see you, to just talk to you like normal. You almost seem to not care. Am I doing something wrong?

I'm finally getting the hell out of Steak 'N Shake. It makes me sad, to be honest. I'm going to miss a handful of people there, but I really need this job. It's better hours, better pay, and that's all that matters when it comes to jobs. I really need to start saving money up. Goals : Car by the end of summer; Move into an apartment by the middle of the school year. We'll see what happens. After I pay back my parents the four grand I owe them (all of which I'm not totally sure what it's for) I might as well be starting with nothing.

Not quite sure what else there is to do. I want to see you...So we can actually figure out whats up...Talking like we have been isn't really fixing anything it seems...just getting you mad at me.

Instead of staring at your Stella desperately for inspiration.
Belt up and quiver at your indignation
I aint saying anything that could be construed as an apology.
There's another case study for anthropology.
Lets announce embargos and denounce our far foes
Ingrowing egos a syntax he knows
It's just distance that separates us
Or are we really all ethno-centric-ally inclined?

I'm not going to give up. I'm going to keep at this friendship...keep trying to make you realize that I actually want it, and that I'm not "teasing you" with it.

Izzy is back up my ass about my music and getting it done again. He disappears for like a week, and then comes back harder than ever about it. The kid wants my demo done more than I do right now, to be honest. But, it's almost never really been about me. So, I guess I'm going to set a goal for myself. Middle of the month, I want the demo to be at least 95% done. This means all instruments recorded, most vocals recorded, and the mixing process begun. Now...let's see if I can actually stick to this.

I'm not one to just give up, you of all people should know this. :P

Mate! What the fuck are you on about?

This is a draconian law I protest
I protest
The herd is rowdy
The squad is vexed

I want to see you soon. Please.


That's all that's really on my mind right now, or at least that I feel like sharing with you guys. I really need to work on this sleeping in thing. I bet it'd do wonders for me. Lot of graduation parties to go to, got to work again tonight, and figure out sometime for me and Ben to get back together and record.....Also.....you know what, never mind. Just look a little deeper and you know

Read between the lines.

Obai.

Conversations With Myself -Part 2

Ohai.

So I guess that we're doing it this way.

"What are we doing?"

Fuck...Get out of here right now. I'm trying to be serious and you're coming back into the picture. Can't be serious with your stupid ass here.

"Woah...Someone is in a pissed off mood, now arn't we?"

Well, when I have to fight with myself to get anywhere, that tends to happen. So yes, you are pissing me off.

"Well SORRY! I'll back off then."

Thank you.

"...asshole."

I FUCKING HEARD THAT!!!!

ANYWAYS...

So you think that I never cared? You think that I gave up on you? Ask people who were around you at the time. I'd call them almost everyday to check up on you since I knew that you wouldn't talk to me. I had to talk around to make sure that you were alright. I constantly thought about you. I constantly missed you. I STILL constantly miss you, and...

"Shit, seriously...you're going on this bullshit again? Just give up. She spent the whole other night telling you how much she hated you."

....Even when people like this were screaming in my ears to leave you alone...to be done with you...I was still there for you. Sometimes direct, sometimes indirect. This was only because sometimes when I tried to help you...all you would tell me to do was, "Fuck off and leave me alone."

"Maybe you should've taken a hint."

Didn't I tell you to fuck off?

"Yeah, but I'm you, and you don't listen to people when they tell you to do that, so what makes you think you'd listen to yourself?"

...Touche.

"Continue."

Prick...Moving on. I do still miss you...have missed you since I felt like you didn't want me around anymore. I'm wishing I had done things differently now. Now I don't know if you even want me as a friend anymore. I hope that's not the case...but if it's best for you, then it's best for you.

ur my best friend...im sorry i made you feel any other way
im sorry i didnt open up to you fully at times
and im sorry i pushed you away when we both needed it the most
in my mind
i thought if i did that youd come in more
but i was wrong

I'm not sure what else to say. I want to see you in person...soon. I can't talk about this over text. I can't talk about this through blogs. I want my friend back...I've missed you.....

"...You are such a fucking pussy."

...I know I am.

Obai.