Panic Attack

Why do I feel so numb?
Is it something to do with where I come from?
Should this be fight or flight?
I don't know why I'm constantly so uptight.
What an appropriate start.
Ohai.

So I figured I'd share something with you all tonight. I know I usually don't go too in depth into my personal life, and there is a very good reason behind that. Note the word "personal." Meaning, unless you already know what's going on, it's more than likely none of your business, or I just don't want you to know it. None the less, this is something that most people in my life already know about, so I have no problem writing about it. Plus, I've been in need of a solid topic for quite some time now.

I suffer from vertigo attacks. Sometimes small ones, sometimes more serve ones. It's something I've been dealing with for the past while, I'll say about two years now. Some people ask me to try and explain what having an attack like that is.

Spinning
Dizzy
Migraine
More like migraine times ten
Can't even stand on my own
Can't think straight
Can't hardly breathe

Honestly, it's impossible to full explain the feeling that comes over me once I have an attack. Some people who have been around me while I was having an attack have a small idea of what it's like for me at least. To anyone who has had to take care of me while having one of these attacks, I apologize. I know it's not fun, though I am grateful for the help you gave me while it was happening.

Some people also ask what triggers them. It's hard to say that as well. It usually seems to hit when I've been deprived of sleep for a long period of time, when I'm stressing out about stuff, or a combination of those two things. Sometimes it just happens whenever the hell my body feels like fucking with me, but usually one of those two things happens first.

Rabid heartbeat pounding through my chest
Agitated body in distress
I feel like I'm in danger
Daily life is strangled by my stress

I had one last night...I'll be perfectly honest. It was horrendous. The one feeling that I left out when I have one of these attacks...Helplessness. It just consumes me during one of these attacks. I was already having an off night, not sleeping again. Then the attack just hit me out of no where. I couldn't hold my eyes open for fear of throwing up from how hard the room was spinning. Instantly my body's temperature jumped to what felt well over 100 degrees. One thought just kept going through my head...

"I wish you were here..."
"I wish you were here..."

Who is you, exactly? I don't even know.
I wish you were here...
I don't want anyone to worry though. These happen at least once every month or two, and I usually can handle them on my own. Usually I'm at home and in bed, so I can just fall asleep and handle it. Last nights though...That was rough...I eventually passed out from pure dizziness and head pain, thank God. I actually got some sleep...Just not the way I wanted it.

So yeah, kind of depressing blog. But I felt like writing about it. Helps me cope with it. Helps me grow in a sense.

That's all I really wanted to talk about tonight. Sorry for another shitty post. Maybe something interesting will happen soon...Then again, with how work is half the time, maybe not. Oh well. School is soon...Ohhhhhh....There's an idea.....
I'm already scared about that....
Obai.